We're soon hitting the 6 month mark for having Micah deployed...if you count the time he was gone working in Michigan, its been almost 9 months without him here. Through that time, I've had many ups and downs but no time to write about them...being a full time high school teacher and trying to take care of 2 boys, 2 dogs, 2 cats and 2 gerbils (until they recently died) left me no time for anything other than laundry and dishes just to survive. I am now off for the summer and have a bit of time to write once in awhile. Last night both the boys fell asleep relatively early and I had a chance to start writing thoughts. I sent it to Micah and he thought I should post it....rambling, but still my thoughts for good or bad. I'm sure more will come....
How can you describe what it is really like to have your husband deployed? All I can say is that at times it is more difficult than a divorce or death, as I can imagine it to be. I haven’t experienced death of a husband, or a divorce for that matter, but the difference I see with deployment is that in both of those cases, time heals the wounds. With death or divorce, I see the chance to say something has ended and it is time to move on. With deployment, there is no “end”…just a constant lingering in a state of waiting. There is no moving on, as you know your husband will be returning. You can’t just say its time to begin a life of your own without him, because you are still married…married yet not together sharing in each other’s lives.
My friend has remarked a few times about articles she has read regarding divorce rates among those deployed. She seems surprised by the articles, but it isn’t so surprising to someone living through a deployment. How do you really build a relationship through the little phone calls and emails? Phone calls are killers too…you really want to talk to the person, to hear their voice just one more time…but then the letdown comes when you realize you don’t have much to say. They can’t really talk about the mission (and I want it that way if it means he’s safe), and I can’t describe fully in words what is happening here. I try my best to keep him up to date on what the kids are doing, how they are growing, etc. but it doesn’t mean much over the phone. And how do I balance telling him all the cool things the boys can do without making him too sad because he can’t be here to witness it himself? Ah…but back to the divorce rate…
As I see it, any marriage has ups and downs. Every marriage takes work. People change and grow but usually you are together to experience the life altering circumstances. With deployment, both people are enduring physical and mental limits …but they are different physical and mental limits. For the person overseas, it is dealing with the mission at hand, the things they see going on over there and mentally dealing with the fact that life at home goes on without them. For the person back home, its being left with the responsibility of taking care of the house and kids on their own and mentally trying not to think about what “could” happen to the deployed person. Again, a difference I see here between deployment and death or divorce is that if my husband died or we got a divorce, I would probably pick up my kids and move closer to family in order to receive help in getting through the situation. With a deployment, I can’t just pick up and move…we have jobs and a house right here that will still be used when my husband returns. I must endure this as best I can until the time comes for him to come home. Don’t get me wrong, I have wonderful family and friends who help as much as possible. Unfortunately, going through a deployment alters your life in such a way that you don’t even know what help to ask for….
Ok, so I’m rambling on with various thoughts…there is so much to address…the boys dealing (or not dealing well) with daddy being gone, how to keep myself from going crazy, the various things that go wrong when your husband is deployed, and how you can pick up your relationship when he does return. So many thoughts in my head and just not the words to explain them all…maybe I can write a few lines a day and somehow find a way to make it all make sense…
But for now, I head to bed early. Both boys are asleep and I’m exhausted, mentally and physically, but mostly mentally.
The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the blog post From the Front: 06/16/2008 News and Personal dispatches from the front lines.
http://thunderrun.blogspot.com/2008/06/from-front-06162008.html
Posted by: David M | June 16, 2008 at 02:04 PM
In response to Beth's Ramblings...
Yet another Father's Day spent home alone while your hubby, their father, fights for his freedom once again. I simply have no words to describe how I feel for you Beth, being the wife left behind to carry on...for however long that may be. All the power to you because I know that I wouldn't be able to do it. You make great points in your ramblings and it really made me think hard about what you and other military wifes must go through (and husbands for that matter). To carry on, live life like it should be without that one person you need the most is something I have never and hope to never have to experience. A missing half of a relationship must leave you feeling empty and unsure of how you are to feel. Micah must feel that same empty as he knows firsthand of all Camden's firsts he is missing and how Evan is growing like a bad weed. For him to be sooo far away and leave his "normal" every day life to enter into a world of such uncertainty surely must take it's toll too. As far as I see it, seems like a lose-lose situation even though what he is doing is for his country. The yo-yo of ups and downs endured by both parties while their partner is deployed must be hard. The feeling you get hearing Micah's voice gives you goosebumps but reality kicks in and you realize he isn't coming home for a long while yet...leaves you down. That, in itself, is devastating to one's emotional state.
I cannot even fathom the thought of all you go through, first in preparation of him leaving, then him leaving for training, then his actual deployment, his service, and finally his coming home and re-entering into civilian life...no words can say how you and he must feel. Such a great obstacle for you both to overcome...again. I pray to God that he is returned safely to us once again and that your lives can heal and return to the so-called "normal" state.
Keep strong Beth, you know you can. Your boys need you.
Posted by: KristaOLeary | June 15, 2008 at 09:28 AM